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Top Ten Exercises to Become a Better Horseman 

10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, stupid, GET OFF!!!"

9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.

8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even blinking an eye.

7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.

6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.

5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See, Hon? Moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multi-million dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."

4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.

3. Borrow the U.S. Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten,

thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...

2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding

clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is

a learning experience, this is..."

1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:

Marry money!

Added 4/3/08

Horse Sales Terminology Translated:

BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.

NICELY STARTED:  lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.

TOP SHOW HORSE:  won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.

HOME BRED:  knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.

BIG BONED:  good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.

NO VICES:  especially when he wears his muzzle.

BOLD:  runaway.

GOOD MOVER:  runaway.

ATHLETIC:  runaway.

NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER:  runaway.

SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS:  currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will defy his DNA and grow.

WELL MANNERED:  hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.

PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED:  hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.

RECENTLY VETTED:  someone else found something really wrong with this horse.

TO GOOD HOME ONLY:  not really for sale unless you can

            1) Pay twice what he is worth

            2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.

EXCELLENT DISPOSITION:  never been out of the stall.

CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS:  clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME:  rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.

QUIET:  dead (almost).

SPIRITED:  psychotic.

WELL BRED:  mother and father are also brother and sister!

COLOR IS BLACK:  brown and/or dirty.

ANY VET CHECK WELCOME:  Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!

SUITS EVENTING:  no brakes.

SUITS DRESSAGE:  no accelerator.

SUITS ANYONE:  except us, we hate him!

Added 4/3/08